When most people think of relationship breakdown they often imagine noisy arguments and fights but this is not always the case. Sometimes couples breakup because they forget to see the good in or value each other enough.

In his book The Games People Play, Eric Berne argues that people are “stroke hungry” – what he means by this is that as humans we need acknowledgement and recognition from others in order to have satisfying and meaningful lives. In each of us there lies a basic human desire or “hunger” to have our relational needs met. One of the most important needs is a desire that others see the good in us, our positive characteristics.

As human beings it often seems easier to remember and hold on to the things we don’t like about our relationships rather than the things we do. Out of our awareness we can become almost fixated on the negative aspects of our partner (or on those parts of our relationship that don’t work) rather than acknowledge the things we do like about each other (or the bits of our relationships that work really well). We often fail to understand the impact each of us has on the other. We often give “negative strokes” without even thinking about it. We can inadvertently put someone down, offer “constructive” criticism, or simply not respond at all.

We worry about being rejected (or if we will be perceived as “weak”) if we compliment or even notice something we like about our partner.

Yet a few genuine kind comments, words of encouragement or even just a smile are true gifts that can’t be bought or sold.
They can go a long way to creating a loving, happy, healthy relationship.

My relationship counselling practice is for any couple: straight or gay, married, living together or dating. I offer marital and couple therapy in Hinckley. To book an appointment, call Andrea: 01455 612 167.