What do you do to nourish your relationship?

Recently I was chatting to a friend who had cut his working hours. Yes, he had a big mortgage to pay, but, tipping the balance, he had decided that there were also many positives. He got to see his son each day rather than work the 60 hour week he used to, he was stress free, he felt happier and he got to spend much more time with his wife.

Now, while I’m not suggesting that if everyone cut their working hours life would be rosy, it did occur to me that very often we can get overtaken by the day to day routines of life. We work, do household tasks, look after children or parents depending on our stage of life, catch up with friends and pursue hobbies and interests. Tasks are a necessity of life and our pastimes can act as a pleasurable and enduring source of contentment, but do you do them to the extent that you neglect your relationship?

If your answer to this is a big fat “No” then that’s fantastic, but it seems to me that relationship neglect is an extremely common problem for couples.

So what do I mean by relationship neglect?

Do you remember when you first got together and everything seemed right with the world? Glowing with excitement, you couldn’t wait to rush home from work to spend time with your partner. Yes, you might have met up with family and friends but what you really enjoyed were those magical hours the two of you spent together. You really valued the special connection the two of you had.

You’re not entirely sure how it happened, but a few years later maybe you’re still spending time together but not actually connecting. For example you find yourselves watching TV all night and not talking, you seem to spend a lot of time talking about managing family commitments or work but not saying what you really want or need in your relationship.

You know you got what you needed from your partner at the beginning of the relationship and you know you are not getting it now, so what happened? Why did it all go flat?

The reasons can be complex but our early “loved up” feelings are partly because our bodies release a hormone called Oxytocin; this can help at an unconscious level in the early stages of a relationship by creating calmness and increasing empathy. The supply of this hormone eventually tails off, but fortunately there is a lot you can do to consciously create a nourishing and satisfying relationship.

Here are five tips to nurture your relationship and put the magic back.

• Black-out: Pretend you have had a power failure; the TV isn’t working, the phones wont work there is no music or lights, just you, your partner, candles and conversations.
  You could try some Applied Mindfulness – this is all about deepening your engagement, really focussing on what you are doing, in other words “being in the moment”. Notice how your partner is breathing, their body language, and copy small involuntary movements. Share what you are noticing about each other in the here and now.
• Leave little notes for each other: I don’t mean ones that say “Remember the dustman’s coming tomorrow”. Think personal.
• Start dating again: It might sound silly, but give yourself permission to go on a “date”. Be creative: it doesn’t need to be expensive, remember dates when you were young?
  For example if you have fond memories of sitting in the local park sharing a bag of chips recreate it now. The idea is to have fun!
• Notice things you like about each other: Most of us can list quite a few things we don’t like about our partners but it is sometimes difficult to remember or articulate the things we do like.
  Agree to spend half an hour talking about what attracted you to each other, what you love about each other now and what your partner does that you wish you could do as well. Remember this is not about a plan of action, changing or offering to do things, it’s about noticing the positives in each other.
• Romantic break: Sometimes being in a different environment with no distractions can be really inspiring. If you can, arrange a weekend away, just the two of you. Ban all work related conversations and agree to switch off the mobiles!

I’m not suggesting that you use these ideas to come up with a plan of action, but, if you do decide to do things differently, make sure you agree a course of actions together. Don’t just try things out without letting your partner in on it, they will have their own ideas and contributions.

A healthy relationship has a balance of work, family and quality couple-time.

Don’t simply go through the motions of being in a relationship, nurture your relationship and enjoy it.