| Andrea Sheehy's Counselling Blog

How to Protect Your Relationship on Holiday and Have a Stress-Free Break

Filed under: Relationships Tags: Holidays, Relationship tips, Relationships, Stress — Written by andrea

Relationship Tips and Tools for avoiding holiday conflict.

Forty million of us in the UK will be heading off on holiday in July and August hoping to catch up with some R&R along with some summer sunshine.

At the top of most couples holiday wish list is a desire that the holiday is stress-free and relaxing – after all that’s the whole point of them. Unfortunately summer holidays can offer the potential for any underlying relationship tensions to hit the surface. Rather than being a much needed break from work-related and/or relationship stress, our summer holiday can end up in long, strong silence’s, arguments and resentment. Many relationship counsellors report that there is a significant increase in couples seeking counselling in September and I too have noticed this at my own counselling practice.

What Triggers Conflict

Everyone wants their holiday to be stress-free, but each of us has different ideas about what we want to do. For instance we might want to spend a large amount of time on the beach, while our partner’s ideal break is trawling the local markets for bargains or on the golf course.

Sometimes one half of a couple may find it very difficult to switch off from work or other commitments back at home, this can leave the other feeling uncared for or feeling that the relationship is unimportant. This too can create resentment or arguments.

For many synchronizing the right amount of time off work combined with organizing all the other practicalities can put a strain on the relationship before leaving.

There are also a lot of financial pressures for couples these days and holidays can be expensive, especially if you have to go during the school holidays. This can cause arguments about spending money.

Relationship problems seldom happen overnight; they tend to build up over time. Couples can sometimes fool themselves into believing a holiday will solve everything on it’s own. If there are underlying relationship tensions, they often surface on holiday. Partners can feel discouraged or exasperated because the holiday does not offer the answer to deeper relationship problems.

Here are four simple tips to reduce your chances of arguing on holiday:

1, Before you go.

Make some time to sit down together and explore what you both want from your holiday – you may have quite different expectations. Talking about it openly in advance gives you the opportunity to learn what each other is hoping for. Focus on what you do want rather than what you don’t want. This keeps the flow of energy positive and any tensions are less likely to surface.

You may need to negotiate, for example if one of you values time alone and the other enjoys spending most of the time together, you might need to come up with some clever compromising on how you balance your time.

2, Avoid Misunderstanding

Agree in advance who is taking responsibility for what, for example:

* Who is booking the holiday

* Who does the packing for the holiday

* Who is doing the driving, both to the destination and on the holiday itself.

* Who is responsible for entertaining any young children on the journey

Money is a thorny topic at the best of times; agree in advance how much you going to spend and how you are going to divide it, and stick to what you have agreed on.

3, Escape the rat race?

Explore together what is an acceptable amount of time to spend on mobiles or the Internet while you are on holiday. Negotiate – be prepared to be flexible and accommodating with each other. This shows that you are both taking the relationship seriously and offering reassurance that the relationship is important to you both.

4, Don’t confuse quantity with quality.

A desire to be close or feeling connected, doesn’t mean you have to spend every minute of every day together. Doing separate activities means that you can both get your needs met even if you enjoy different things. In addition to allowing each of you personal space, agreeing to spend some time apart allows each of you to feel respected and trusted within the relationship. Sharing different experiences and news over a drink or a meal later on can be a wonderful way of showing interest in each other which in turn creates a feeling of connectedness.

Holidays can be a fantastic way for couples to enjoy some quality time together. Good, open communication in advance of a holiday can go a long way to stop misunderstandings and alleviate tension.

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Andrea Sheehy is qualified couple, relationship and marriage counsellor with over 20 years experience. Andrea's practice is based in Hinckley which is on the border of Leicestershire and North Warwickshire. For more information about how couple counselling helps, visit her website

Contact her on 01455 612 167

Disclaimer: The content is for general information only and may or may not relate to your individual situation. If this article raises concerns please speak to a professional in your area

Discover the secrets of successful counselling

Filed under: Counselling Tags: Counselling, counsellor, couple counselling, marriagecounselling, Relationships — Written by andrea

5 tips to get the most out of marriage/couple counselling

When couples first get together they have the best of intentions and hope their relationship will last forever. Long lasting relationships are difficult to achieve however; the daily grind of day to day living, life-changes such as moving house, redundancy and blended/step families can all take a toll on our relationships.

It is unrealistic of us to expect our relationships to run smoothly all the time and most couples will experience relationship difficulties at some point. Many couples seek relationship or marriage counselling as soon as they realise there are problems, but often couples leave counselling until they are at crisis point perhaps believing in the so-called virtue of stoicism.

However, I believe that we can take charge of our relationships. The couple counselling process can really empower and assist couples who choose to address relationship problems. However, counselling alone can not save your marriage – only you can do that – but, during my 17 years in practice, I have seen many of my clients repair, rediscover and develop their relationships, even those who who were on the point of separation.

Here are my five tips to get the most out of your couple counselling experience

Tip 1: Make sure you get value for your money.
Arrive on time for your appointment, someone may have booked an appointment after you and so your counsellor may not be able to go over time. Arriving on time ensures that you get your full hour.

If you have already agreed on couple counselling and your partner can’t make an appointment, don’t turn up for the appointment on your own. The reason for this is that the counsellor will want to ensure that each of you is being treated the same.
If you call in advance there may be a creative compromise. At my own practice I have had telephone conferences when work commitments have prevented one partner from attending in the flesh.

Tip 2: Keep a diary or notebook
It is common for people to think about the counselling sessions in between appointments. Make a list of any questions, ideas or thoughts you have about the counselling process during the week. This will help you focus both on the issues you want to resolve in the relationship and any questions you have about the way your counsellor is working.

Tip 3: Commit to the counselling process
For couple counselling to be truly effective, both of you need to commit to the process – even if you are not sure whether you can commit to the relationship. Although part of a couple counsellor’s job is to motivate, guide and empower, you both need to be willing to allow this by reflecting on your own feelings, thoughts and behaviour during the sessions and in between appointments.

Tip 4: Meet each other half way
Accept that both of you contribute to the relationship issues in some way.
Most of us act with the best of intentions and many people are genuinely unaware that they might be contributing to the problems in their relationships. I see part of my counselling role as bringing this into your awareness and helping you both find a better way of being with each other.

Tip 5: Be willing to change
Over time if you are both willing to make some changes in the way you think, feel and behave, this can go along way in helping your marriage and the counselling process.

Counselling can empower, enable and guide you to repair and grow your relationship.

Couples who are most successful are the ones who recognize and understand that marriage requires maintenance, it doesn’t just “run” on it’s own. They are proactive both in the counselling room and remain active and engaged in the relationship at home. They are fully committed to working on and developing the relationship or the marriage.

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Contact her on 01455 612 167

Disclaimer: The content is for general information only and may or may not relate to your individual situation. If this article raises concerns please speak to a professional in your area

How to Choose a Marriage/Couple Counsellor and Get Your Relationship Back on Track

Filed under: Counselling Tags: Counselling, couple counselling, marriagecounselling, relationship specialist, Relationships — Written by andrea

If you have decided that your relationship has lost it’s way, it’s important to choose the right couple counsellor to help you make the changes.

Introduction

According to Mind, the leading mental health charity for England and Wales, around 300 people out of every 1,000 will experience some kind of emotional problem every year in Britain.

Troubled relationships in particular are thought to be among the key factors affecting rates of mental health and anxiety. Research consistently suggests that people who are in healthy, happy relationships are more protected from depression and anxiety than those who are single, divorced or separated.

“Talking therapies” such as counselling are fast becoming the treatment of choice for addressing issues such as depression, anxiety and of course relationship issues.

Although it would be impossible to work out how many people are thinking about or attending counselling at any time, the amount of qualified counsellors has more than doubled recently to keep up with public demand.

This does not necessarily mean that finding the right counsellor to suit your particular needs will come easily. For someone who is seriously considering seeing a counsellor for the first time, finding the right kind of help can be challenging. This is not intended to scare you away. I hope to inspire you to get the most from your counselling experience.

Here are Six Top Tips for Choosing a Couple Counsellor

Tip 1: Don’t Get Wedded to a Particular Counselling Theory

There are many different counselling schools and these are called modalities. Counsellors are usually trained in a particular modality (such as CBT, Gestalt, Person-Centred, TA to name a few). Contrary to popular belief (but it makes common sense when you think about it), the theory that a particular counsellor is trained in has no real bearing on the outcome you get – research shows that the modality is irrelevant.

What is relevant is both the relationship we have with our counsellor and our counsellors experience in the field we want to work because research shows that these are the consistent factors in successful counselling.

Tip 2: Choose a Counsellor that Specialises in Relationships

Having said that the modality is irrelevant, couple counselling is very different from one-to-one or individual counselling and does require some specialist knowledge. If you want to work on your relationship, it makes sense to choose a counsellor who has a specific qualification in couple counselling, regardless of the modality they use.

Tip 3: Find a Couple Counsellor With Plenty of Experience

Training is essential, but there is no substitute for experience. Ask your counsellor how many client-hours experience they have in working with couples. Look for at least a thousand hours.

Tip 4: You May Need to Consider seeing a Specialist

If you are experiencing relationship problems, it makes sense to see a couple counsellor who has qualifications and experience in the speciality you require; in the case of your love-life you might require psycho-sexual counselling, and other specialities are anger management and grief counselling.

Tip 5: Get a Free Consultation

The quality of the relationship between you and your counsellor is of paramount importance, and so many counsellors will offer a short free consultation – a sort of “get to know you” session of about 20 minutes. This is an opportunity to meet and discuss your needs. Use this time to discover whether you feel comfortable with the counsellor.

Tip 6: Questions You Need Answers To

Did the counsellor create a safe environment for you and your partner to talk? This can be:

Did you feel comfortable talking to the counsellor?
Physically: For example, is the room private and quiet or is there noise from outside which is disturbing. Are you concerned at some level that you may be overheard or do you feel it is easy to talk? Do both of you feel that the counsellor explained practicality’s such as:
- confidentiality
- fee structures
- a schedule of appointments
Do you feel that the counsellor has the potency to work with you and your partner, for example:
- were you given equal time
- did the counsellor allow you to argue in the consulting room and simply listen or did the counsellor set boundaries
- did you feel heard
- did you and your partner intuitively feel you are in a safe pair of hands?

Conclusion

For couples whose relationship is in trouble, the task of finding a competent marriage or couple counsellor can be daunting because comparatively there are very few counsellors who have specialist knowledge and experience of working with couples, for a variety of reasons, working with couples is quite different from individual counselling or psychotherapy and does require specialist knowledge. A good place to start looking might be at the Couple Counselling Network they have a list of qualified and experienced couple counsellors practising in most areas of the UK

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Contact her on 01455 612 167

Disclaimer: The content is for general information only and may or may not relate to your individual situation. If this article raises concerns please speak to a professional in your area