One of my favorite pastimes is debunking counselling myths – and there are so many! I could probably come up with a hundred related pre-conceived ideas and misconceptions people have about counselling or therapy.

Here are a few of the more prevalent myths  I have heard in organizations I have worked for, in my role as an Employee Counselling Services Provider and at my own private counselling practice.

Myth 1: Couple Counselling is a last resort when you’ve tried everything else!

The Reality: Couples Counselling works best as soon as you notice there are problems between you.

It can also be beneficial for couples who are experiencing no problems in their relationships at all. Many couples are choosing pre-marital counselling these days and research shows that those who do, are less likely to land in the divorce courts later on.

Many couples do put off counselling however until a divorce or separation seems imminent. Counselling does not guarantee that a divorce will not happen, but it is possible to make positive changes to your relationship in a short space of time.

Myth 2: I believe I am a failure if I can’t sort my problems out on my own!

The Reality: It takes a lot of courage to walk through a counsellors door and ask for help. This takes a real strength. Choosing counselling or therapy is a direct positive and effective step to resolving your marriage or relationship problems

Myth 3: The counsellor will just sit there and listen!

The Reality: Although listening to what the problems are and what hopes and aspirations you have for the counselling play a very important part of any “talking therapy” relationship counselling needs to be a lot more directive than simply listening. I tend to be very proactive during the sessions. I will work with you to identify the main issues in your relationship, help you clarify your thoughts and feelings as well as coaching you on how to make the best changes to enhance your particular relationship.

Myth 4: The counsellor will offer relationship advice!

The Reality: If you’ve confided in friends or family you’ve probably had advice coming out of your ears already. Trained and qualified counsellors or therapists do not give advice. Don’t expect advice on whether you should end your relationship, have a trial separation or expect the counsellor to tell you what to do to “fix” your problem. Counselling is an opportunity to assess the problems. You will both be given equal time to explore your thoughts and feelings, work out an action plan that meets your chosen counselling goals along counselling, coaching and teaching for you.

Myth 5: I don’t have problems, I’m just here to support my partner!

The Reality: If your partner is unhappy with the relationship then you have a problem. Out of your awareness you are inviting/contributing to the issues in some way. Counselling can help both of you to understand your own processes and how they impact on the relationship. This alone can promote powerful changes which enhance your relationship.

Myth 6: Counselling can’t change who I am!

The Reality: You are right – a counsellor can’t change you. The truth is that life and people are changing all the time. Sometimes we need to make changes in the way we think, feel and behave to keep up with what is happening to us here and now. Decisions we made at other points in life about how the world is, how we are and how people perceive us can become seriously outdated. Counselling can help you make changes that positively enhance your life now while allowing you to stay true to your own core values and beliefs.

Myth 7: The counsellor will take my partners side!

The Reality: A properly trained couple or marriage counsellor should not take sides. It is the counsellors job to remain neutral, to view the relationship as “the client” rather than the individuals. Relationship counselling is not about finger pointing or blaming. You will both be given equal time and attention to explore, reflect and clarify your own thoughts and feelings. Both of your points of view are important and equally valid.

Myth 8: How can a stranger help?

The Reality: Lots of people find it easier to open up to someone who does not know them or their partner. The reasons for this are varied, but friends and family often have their own views and agenda’s, making any real exploration difficult. It is also possible that friends or family will pass on to others what we have said. A counsellor does not have a view on what you shouldn’t do or a hidden agenda. She will listen, challenge your thinking and help you to identify possible solutions, in a safe, totally confidential setting.

Myth 9: We tried counselling before and it didn’t help

The Reality: Marriage Counselling or indeed individual counselling may not have “worked” for you before, but that does not mean to say it won’t help a second or even third time around with a different counsellor. There really isn’t a “one size fits all” with talking therapies. Counsellors and therapists use different approaches and different counselling styles or ways of working. It really is a matter of shopping around for some-one you feel comfortable with. Also, remember, you may not have been ready for counselling the first time round.

Myth 10: We got a book on improving our relationships, that is as good as seeing a counsellor.

The Reality: Some of the books in popular psychology can be quite helpful in that they can give you advice and some insights. However advice or insights on their own do not make changes. Often partner A reads the book, fired up with enthusiasm then attempts to get partner B to buy into the suggestions. Partner B can then feel turned off or even threatened. This can then further destabilize the relationship. A trained marriage counsellor is adept at decoding out -of -awareness patterns. She does not follow a set of rules or guidelines. Each counselling session is a supportive and tailor made service specific to each couple’s individual personalities and unique situation. The counsellor responds to the relationship and can observe things that neither partner is aware of.

San Diego Marriage Counselling left this comment in the comment section “Most marriages on the verge of breaking up can be saved with the help of a good counselor.”

Have you or your partner fallen for any of these counselling myths before?

Add your own myth in the comment section below