Like a lot of people, I sometimes watch Channel 4′s observational documentary series One Born Every Minute which shows the day to day activity of a labour ward.

I’m always struck by the fact that no matter how many programs you watch, how many anti-natal classes you attend nothing – but nothing – prepares you for when you take your baby home.

If you are planning to start a family then this blog is for you.

What are you doing today?

• Are you choosing baby clothes?
• nursery furnishings?
• Prams/pushchairs?
• Or planning the birth itself?

Have you stopped to consider the effect your baby will have on you as a couple?

Have you started a family in the last couple of years?

Are you feeling:

• excluded
• overwhelmed
• undervalued
• under-loved

There is no doubt that once your baby is home s/he will have a huge impact on your relationship. Children intensify everything in a relationship both the positive and the underlying cracks.

As well as the euphoria having your baby will produce, it’s important to remember that as couple you will be dealing with many losses too:

• Loss of freedom
• Loss of sex (most couples experience much less sex in the first 12 months after becoming parents)
• Loss of identity
• Less time together as a couple

Add to the mix the new financial pressures, lack of sleep and different ideas about raising kids. (Even if you have discussed how your baby will be brought up and disciplined, you may be surprised how often tensions still occur.)

It’s not surprising that many couples often find their relationship drifting apart over time.

How well your relationship copes after your baby is born really depends on much you prepare now.

Here are some immediate actions you can take:

1. Straight talking

The most important thing is to talk. The quality of your relationship can only be sustained if you share your fears and worries openly as well as all the positive feelings. Be honest

2. Conflict management

Learn to manage conflict well, follow my rules for fighting fair or book some time with a professional relationship counsellor (How to choose a marriage counsellor).

3. Fun and laughter

Forget formal date nights if your baby is not very old, they can often feel like another chore and add to your stress levels, however research does show that fun, laughter and play are important for you as a couple.

You really don’t have to do anything grand or fancy (Learn to nurture your relationship)

• Go for a nice walk
• Have a nice meal in together or
• Meet up with some good friends who you can relax with.
• Make plans that are easy

4. Dealing with emotions

Realistically you and your relationship are likely to take second priority to the ever-present needs of a very new baby.

Sometimes there are feelings of resentment towards the new family member – and this is normal and very common – but they do need to be talked about, otherwise they can build up and cause longer term relationship problems. If you are experiencing these feelings, please don’t put off seeking help with couple counselling. Coming in for marriage counselling is not a sign of weakness or that your relationship has failed. It is as a sign of strength, courage and resilience.

Remember the very best thing you can give your child is a good relationship with your partner. You will be providing security, stability, and happy childhood memories, as well as teaching her or him valuable life skills such as how to deal with difficulties and conflict in a healthy way.

How have you coped with bringing up children? I’d love to hear from you please feel free to leave your own tips in the comment section below.

• “She keeps talking about this guy at work, and I’m feeling really jealous“
• “After several years of marriage, we’ve grown apart. I’m sure he’s seeing someone, and I feel so alone“
• “I found out my partner is talking to this woman online; he says it’s not sexual but it makes me feel so wretched“
• “If he must have these relationships, why is he talking to her and not me – what’s so special about her?“

Emotional affairs are painful and confusing, and they leave so many unanswered questions:

• “What has she got that I don’t?“
• “Why is he doing this to me?“
• “How did we get to this point?“
• “Who is he seeing“
• “What is she getting up to at work?“

An emotional affair is an intense relationship that has not crossed the sexual boundary.

“But it’s only an emotional affair. Why am I feeling so betrayed?“

There is a great temptation to imagine that an emotional affair has much less impact than a sexual affair, but it isn’t true – trust is something that takes years to build and moments to destroy, and an emotional affair destroys trust every bit as effectively as a sexual affair. It’s not the affair itself that is the problem, it’s the lies, the deceit and the feeling that you’re going nuts that cause the pain.

Emotional affairs

Emotional affairs are very common in long-term relationships. At the start of relationship, hormones are flowing and excitement is high. As the relationship matures, the hormones back off, the novelty fades, and defences begin to play a greater and greater role. I’m not suggesting that anyone consciously chooses to start an emotional affair, it’s just that, given the right circumstances, these things can just happen without our intending them to.

The “right” circumstances

The “right” circumstances come about because we all have different ideas about how relationships work and what we need to do for each other in order to be happy. What does this mean? Let’s illustrate this with an example:

“I feel so betrayed; is it worth trying to fix it?“

The answer is, it depends. It is possible to recover, but it is painful, and it will take time. I guess you have to ask yourself the question, “Do I want it to work?” If the answer to that question from both of you is, “Yes” then there will be a way.

How do we get back to the way things were in the beginning?

• The first step is to draw a line in the sand, and agree that, whatever has happened in the past, from now on you are both going to focus on building trust. If you have told lies, ‘fess-up and start afresh.
• You need to accept what you both have done and not get into the blame game – don’t point the finger at your partner and don’t beat yourself up. You might want to blame yourself for being selfish, or you might feel guilty that you didn’t do enough – accept it, own it, share it.
• Your feelings are what they are, and you need to just give up on the desire to control them, accept that they are there, and talk about them, especially the ones you really do not want to talk about.
• The trouble with talking about feelings is it’s difficult to do without them taking over, and then you can end up in a cycle of arguments before you know it. You need to find a way to TALK ABOUT your feelings without ACTING on them.
• People have different relationship needs, and it’s usually the case that partners have complementary, but different, sets of needs. Maybe you have been wrong in assuming that your partner sees the world the way that you do. Maybe when you both understand where each other is coming from you can take account of that and work out how to make your relationship so deeply satisfying you won’t need to look elsewhere.

How can couple counselling help?

I can help you with all of the above.

• I provide a safe, secure and confidential environment where you both can explore and come to terms with the trauma of this emotional affair.
• I can teach you how to talk about emotions, and provide you with structures and techniques that will allow you to talk about the most painful things without getting derailed into arguments.
• I can help you analyse your arguments and identify the patterns that lead to friction.

If you would like to work with me to improve your relationship contact me

Although mindfulness has been around for thousands of years, it is only relatively recently that it has been adopted by western psychotherapists, counsellors and other mental health practitioners for issues such as stress, anxiety, and depression. The results are good. Even more promising is that recently mindfulness has also been shown as an effective approach for children to lower stress and anxiety and even increasing states of feeling well.

For a long time now I have often coached couples at my practice in using mindfulness skills and I truly believe that being more Mindful can really strengthen our relationships.

So what is mindfulness?

For those who are not that familiar with it. Mindfulness is all about being fully present; paying close attention to what is happening. Becoming aware of and fully engaged in ourselves, our environment and the significant people in our lives.

It allows us to to experience our lives and our relationships with a fresh pair of eyes every day. It allows us the opportunity to view our thoughts, feelings, and behaviour in the moment and in a non-critical, non-judgemental way.

This might sound paradoxical in some ways, because in our modern, busy lives we are used to doing the opposite – being in a mindless state.

What do I mean by mindless?

Mindlessness is the state of mind best described as being on auto-pilot; it’s about not paying attention to what is really happening and responding to situations or people in a distracted, mechanical, unthinking or if you like unconscious way.

For example, if you cooked a special meal for you and your partner, but you barely noticed how good the food was, or took the time to enjoy each others company because your minds were busy thinking about other things, then you would be in a mindless state. Or maybe you have tried to resolve an issue with your partner, but found it impossible to listen or respond to what was being said because your mind focussed on your own defences – you were focussing more on what you thought they were saying, or you were too busy thinking about how you were going to respond to be listening to what they were actually saying?

One of the biggest problems with being mindless in our relationships is that, in the heat of the moment, we often forget our partner is just like us, experiencing emotional pain and frustration, needing to be listened to, yearning to be understood and ultimately wanting to be happy. Somehow two people’s need for acknowledgement has a habit of turning into slanging match.

Healthy Relationships always require time, care and attention, and they can often break down if we stop paying attention and act from auto-pilot. The sad fact is that our need to protect ourselves from what is perceived to be an attack is usually more important than our ability to get our emotional needs met by being mindful with our partner, and so it takes a conscious effort to both become aware of feeling defensive and to take that factor into account and listen to what is actually being said.

Five ways to create a mindful relationship:

1. Your number one relationship is with yourself. Prioritise yourself; take some time to relax and self-reflect. Consider the different processes that happen in your body and work out, if you can, how they can connect to your different thoughts and feelings. Become aware of what it is your your partner does that somehow triggers your defences.
2. Model how you would like to be treated. Be mindful of your partners feelings and relationship needs too! Although difficult at times, being respectful, showing appreciation and validation can be very rewarding and in turn leads to a real emotional connection. For example, if you don’t like rejection, then make sure that what you do doesn’t make your partner feel rejected.
3. Give yourself permission to make mistakes, research shows that when you feel you are allowed to make mistakes, you are significantly less likely to actually make them! When you do make one be accountable, repair any ruptures in your relationship, for instance if you know you have been snappy with your partner recently, reach out and acknowledge this. Be curious about your partners feelings and explore your own; how do their defences work?
4. Be aware of any relationship blocks, for example if you find yourself saying often. “We really do need to spend time together” but never seem to find the time, be honest with yourself. Sometimes an underlying anxiety or negative feeling can be getting in the way. For example:
   • I’m bored, nothing seems to happen when we are together.
   • Although we start with the best of intentions, we just seem to argue when we spend time together.
   • I’m afraid I’ll be rejected if I share what I really think or feel.
5. Becoming aware and clarifying our own thoughts and feelings is good for our relationship too. It is much easier to resolve issues if we are aware of what we are unhappy about and can be clear about what we want. For example, “I feel overwhelmed by (whatever the partner did) and that triggers my (unconscious) defences and makes me want to withdraw. I’ve consciously decided to stay in contact this time, and I’m interested in how that impacts on you”

Next time you find yourself on auto-pilot, I invite you to switch to Mindfulness, take note of what happens, you might be pleasantly surprised.
In the meantime if you would like to work with me to improve your relationship contact me

Improve how you communicate and develop intimacy

OK, so most of us have the best of intentions. However, turning all those good intentions into a reality is something else.

We might hope, want, or even pray our relationship will improve, but instead we find ourselves easily slipping into the same old arguments, repeating the same old patterns. It’s a bit like hearing all the old Christmas/Holiday songs and just having to dance along.

We argue about:

• How much to spend on Christmas presents
• How warm the house should be over winter
• Taking to long to get ready to go to a family gathering or a social engagement
• The state of the bathroom
• Drinking too much
• Seeing each other less because of
  Christmas obligations
• and of Course The INLAWS!

We often end up feeling frustrated, resentful and worn out.

We become defensive, feel misunderstood and our good intentions disappear.

Fortunately our destiny is in our own hands because we do have the ability to decide to do something different. We can choose a more positive path.

The first step is to put our communication skills on a much more positive footing.

Communications

Communication is often seen as something we do anyway; a given. If you are talking, you are communicating, right? I disagree. How many times have you been in an argument, and, whilst your partner is talking, you have already worked out what you want to say and are merely waiting for a gap so that you can say it? When our defences are up we are not really communicating, we are simply firing broadsides at each other.

Here are a few tips for better communication over Christmas:

• If you think you know what your partner is thinking or feeling, check it out to avoid misunderstandings. Get curious, and don’t act on an assumption. Become aware of the ways in which you and you partner commonly misunderstand each other.
• Prioritise the core points you want to make.
• Stay on track and don’t get distracted.
• Use as few words as possible. Keep it simple; short sentences and simple words. A long, rambling monologue will only dilute the impact of your message, and your partner will get overloaded.
• The louder you talk, the less likely it is that you are actually communicating effectively. Take a time-out, and cool down before trying again.
• There are always two parts to listening: hearing what your partner is saying, and checking that you have heard right. We all yearn to be heard, and so it is very gratifying when your partner is both able to hear and is interested in your thoughts and feelings. When your partner talks to you, listen, really listen, to the meaning of what they are saying. Then check with them that you heard it right.

Do you have some tips to improve communications? Please share your thoughts in a comment.

If you would like to work with me to improve your relationship contact me

Minimise your Christmas stress levels, and grow and develop your relationship

We had a big turning-on-the-Christmas-lights celebration in Hinckley over the weekend; there were fireworks and fair-ground rides and, of course, the lights themselves. The build-up and all the hype of the Christmas holiday season has definitely started!

Christmas can be a welcome break from work and routine, but it can also be a peak time of stress for your relationship. We have the opportunity to use the Christmas period to spend quality time with the ones we love, and to slow down and relax.

We look forward to spending time doing what we please.

However, far from slowing down and relaxing, we can often feel overwhelmed and anxious as we strive to meet our own and others’ high expectations. Far from being the relaxing oasis from the daily grind, the Christmas holidays can feel rushed and pressurised as we take on one obligation after another. We rush to:

• send out Christmas cards
• make plans for social events
• Christmas carol services
• school concerts
• family get together’s

…and this can all be great fun.

But all this frenetic activity can put your relationship under a lot of pressure…

Did you know that most break-ups occur over Christmas?

We can put ourselves under a lot of pressure because we feel guilty and selfish about not meeting others’ needs. We feel we “ought” to be rushing around keeping everyone happy, but this sense of obligation can have a toxic effect on our relationships.

It’s OK to give yourself permission NOT to write hundreds of Christmas cards, go to every office party, etc.

It’s NOT being selfish or mean to say “No” when you really don’t feel like it. It’s not being selfish to cut back on obligations that maybe aren’t in your best interests in order to spend time nurturing your relationship.

Although we may feel that our partner is the most important person in the world, we often don’t prioritise our relationship:

• We allow family, friends to come first
• We get distracted by phone calls or text messages, instead of giving our partner our undivided attention
• We take each other for granted and break arrangements with each other when some thing else “comes up”
• We end up arguing over trivia, and avoid addressing the root causes
• We have good ideas about where we could be going with our relationship, but these ideas often don’t get beyond the planning stage in our own minds
• We simply don’t spend quality time together

The Christmas holiday season is a good time to give yourself permission to put aside obligations that might be having a bad effect on your relationship, and using that time to cherish and grow your relationship.

It is an ideal opportunity to reflect on what you both really want and need from your relationship, and talk together with your partner about how to get it.

Here are a couple of golden nuggets I’ve picked up during my 30 years of marriage:

• Instead of watching your favorite soap, switch off the TV and talk for an hour. If nothing else this shows you value your relationship.
• Start the conversation by each saying three things you respect, value and appreciate about the other.

Remember, the more you invest in your relationship, the more you will value it.

How do you invest in your relationship during the Christmas holidays?
Share your tips and ideas in the comment box below…

Being in a healthy relationship is good for us. If we are communicating well with our partner, feel respected, listened to and cared for, then we instinctively feel everything is great in our world. When it stops working our happiness and health are both badly affected.

Here are a few suggestions and ideas to help you and your relationship over the coming year.

1. Understand that no relationship is “perfect”. It is unrealistic to expect that your relationship will work well all the time. It’s normal to react to the pressures and strains of family life. Sometimes the way you express your feelings to your partner can make things worse.
2. Talk with each other. Not many of us reach the end of our life and say that our biggest regret was that we didn’t watch more TV! Switch the TV off and spend some quality time together.
3. Take care of yourselves online, remember most things online are stored and are searchable. It might seem like a good idea to rant about your relationship in the heat of the moment, but this could come back to haunt you in a myriad of different ways 1 year or even 3 years down the line. If either of you use social networking sites regularly Facebook-proof your relationship.
4. If you are looking around for relationship help, accept that all advice is not created equal. Your relationship is precious, be selective. If you are looking online, ask yourself, “What do I know about this person?” Are they up-front about who they are and what they do? Do they provide any verifiable evidence that they know what they are talking about. Does what they say make sense to you? Does it fit with your own values and beliefs?
5. Friends and family may also want to give advice, and they can be supportive and helpful. However sometimes people have their own agenda at heart not yours, or sometimes the advice is very well intentioned but the person giving it doesn’t have much of a clue about relationships.
6. Get professional help when you need it, don’t put it off in the hope that things will get better on their own. Hope is a good thing but it won’t work as a strategy on it’s own in saving your relationship.
7. When life throws lemons at you, learn to make lemonade. Don’t see getting outside help as a sign of weakness or that your relationship is failing. The problems you are experiencing right now are a wake-up call. This is your opportunity to do something different and start over – to choose, to make changes, TO REBUILD.