Helping Children Cope

Infants

1. What the child understands
   1. Does not understand conflict, but may react to changes in parent's energy level and mood.


2. Possible child reactions
   1. Loss of appetite
   2. Upset stomach - may spit up more
   3. More fretful or anxious


3. Strategies for parents
   1. Keep normal routines
   2. Remain calm in front of the child
   3. Seek help from family and friends
   4. Rest when the child rests
   5. Maintain warm, safe contact
   6. Do not deprive the child of his or her favorite toys, blanket, or stuffed animal

Toddlers

1. What the child understands
   1. Understands that a parent has moved away, but doesn't understand why


2. Possible child reactions
   1. More crying, clinging
   2. Problems sleeping
   3. Regression to infant behaviors (back to diapers, thumb sucking)
   4. May feel anger, may not understand why he or she feels that way
   5. May worry when parent is out of sight
   6. May withdraw, bite, or be irritable


3. Strategies for parents
   1. Stick to routines
   2. Be reassuring, nurturing
   3. Allow some return to infantile behaviors, but set clear limits
   4. Try not to be in a hurry all the time
   5. Spend time alone with the child (cuddle, read)
   6. Give the child time with another responsive adult (grandparent, close friend)

Preschoolers

1. What the child understands
   1. Doesn't understand what separation or divorce means. Realizes one parent is not as active in his or her life


2. Possible child reactions
   1. Has pleasant and unpleasant fantasies
   2. Feels uncertain about the future
   3. May feel responsible
   4. May hold anger inside
   5. Feels that he or she should be punished
   6. May be accident-prone
   7. May become aggressive and angry toward parent he or she lives with
   8. May have more nightmares
   9. Experiences feelings of grief because of sudden absence of parent


3. Strategies for parents
   1. Encourage the child to talk
   2. Use books to help the child talk about feelings
   3. Set aside "child time" each day
   4. Tell the child repeatedly that he or she is not responsible for the divorce or separation and that he or she will be taken care of
   5. Tell the child he or she will be safe
   6. Let noncustodial parent maintain a regular presence (a phone call several times each week, messages sent on video or audio tapes)
   7. Assure the child that he or she will be able to visit with the other parent
   8. Allow more unhurried time every day

Early Elementary

1. What the child understands
   1. Begins to understand what a divorce is
   2. Understands that her or his parents won't live together anymore and that they may not love each other as before


2. Possible child reactions
   1. Feels deceived and feels a sense of loss
   2. Hopes parents will get back together
   3. Feels rejected by the parent who left
   4. Ignores school and friendships
   5. Worries about the future
   6. Fears nobody will be there to pick him or her up from school
   7. Complains of headaches or stomach aches
   8. Has trouble sleeping
   9. Tries to recreate "what was"
   10. Experiences loss of appetite, sleep problems, diarrhea, frequent urination


3. Strategies for parents
   1. Encourage the child to talk about how he or she feels
   2. Answer all questions about the changes that are taking place, and keep lines of communication open
   3. Be sensitive to signs of depression and fear. Seek professional help if depression is prolonged or intense
   4. See if the school or community has special programs for children of divorce.
   5. Plan special time together
   6. Reassure your child that everything will be all right, just different.
   7. Keep daily routines intact
   8. Respect, but monitor, the child's privacy
   9. Don't dwell on adult problems. Encourage the child to say how he or she feels, but don't use expressions such as "be brave" or "don't cry"

Preteen and Adolescents

1. What the child understands
   1. Understands but doesn't accept the divorce


2. Possible child reactions
   1. Feels angry and disillusioned
   2. Feels abandoned by the parent who is leaving
   3. Tries to take advantage of parents' low energy and high stress levels
   4. Tries to take control over family
   5. Shows extreme behavior (good and bad)
   6. Becomes moralistic, or becomes involved in high-risk behaviors (drugs, shoplifting, skipping school)
   7. Tries to be an "angel" to bring the family back together
   8. May try to cut one or both parents out of her or his life if she or he feels rejected
   9. Feels like he or she will never be able to have a long-term relationship
   10. Feels like he or she must grow up too soon
   11. Worries about finances, including college tuition


3. Strategies for parents
   1. Continue to talk about each step of the divorce
   2. Maintain two-way communication
   3. Keep routines and maintain rules
   4. Remind the child that the parents "own" the problem, and free him or her from guilt
   5. Continue to monitor the child's activities
   6. Don't involve the child in parental struggles
   7. Don't use the child as a replacement partner. (Don't discuss adult problems with him or her)
   8. Consider joint counseling