Strategies for Parents
Some examples of ways to broach the subject of separation and divorce with children
Broaching the Subject
- Books- Children often can deal with feelings by relating to characters in a story. If a child reads about characters in a book experiencing the same feelings that the child is experiencing, then the child will not feel so alone. Stories, whether told aloud or read from a book, can serve as a non-threatening buffer to stress. This strategy works for both older and younger children.
By taking time to read or tell stories together, you can help your child feel safe and close. After completing a story, find ways to open conversation. Allow the child to process the content, and then share thoughts. Often children will talk about characters, not themselves. At some point the emphasis shifts from the book to the shared experience. Children often can make the leap from the story to their lives. If this does not happen, open-ended questions (How did Max feel? Why?) can be used to see if the child is ready to talk. At the library, ask for assistance in selecting books to match the emotion, not just the event (loss, death, moving, survival, fear, anxiety). Good examples for school-age children include Island of the Blue Dolphin (about coping) and Little House on the Prairie (about adversity, loss, staying together as a family). Parents and children can also share feelings by looking at family photographs and family videotapes. - Play- Particularly for young children, play is the primary means of expressing feelings. Sometimes parents can tell how children are feeling by watching their play or playing with them. Take care not to impose your opinions on the child's feelings during play. Join in play only if asked. If your child feels you are directing instead of just playing, he or she will feel uncomfortable. Some play items that help elicit feelings include sand, water, board games, painting, finger paints, chalkboard drawing, play dough, and puppets.
- Talking- Sometimes parents have a hard time picking the right words to discuss sensitive issues with children.
Conversation Starters:
- A separation is when parents decide to live apart from each other and figure out what to do about their marriage.
- A separation is a hard thing to talk about. It's not always easy telling people that your mom and dad are not living together anymore.
- We are not alone. We have other friends and family, too.
- Sometimes kids feel caught in the middle during a separation.
- Usually children want their parents to stay together. But sometimes things feel so bad that children wish their parents would separate.
- Sometimes things are better for a family when parents decide to separate.
- My leaving is not connected to loving you. I am leaving because your mother/father and I do not get along. I love you as much as ever, and I always will.
- A divorce is when two people decide they no longer want to be married. They can't live together happily anymore. They decide to stop being husband and wife. They just have different ideas about things. We will always be parents to our children.
- One thing never changes. Your mom will always be your mother, and your dad will always be your father. You still have a family when your parents get divorced.
- Kids cannot cause a divorce. They also cannot keep a mom and dad together.
- Being a parent and being a husband or wife are two different (and separate) jobs. Divorce, like marriage, is between adults only.
- When two adults decide to divorce, at least one of them has to go to a courtroom and talk to a judge. The judge helps figure out the rules for the divorce. A lawyer works with the parents and the judge to write up a paper about visiting, living with, and caring for children. The paper says that the adults will no longer be married, but that they will always be parents.
How Long Should the Adjustment Take?
- In this fast-paced world, we often get frustrated when we have to wait for things to happen. But going through a transition such as divorce takes time.
- Studies show that divorce is indeed a source of stress for children, and it can result in a decline of well-being. On the other hand, some children will breeze through with few negative affects, and some will actually show improvement following divorce.
- There are mixed and inconsistent results comparing children's adjustment by age, but most counselors say that children who cope best with divorce are those who, after divorce, continue to have a stable, loving relationship with both parents and regular, dependable visits from the nonresidential parent.
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