Effects of divorce on children

Karen DeBord, Ph.D.
Child Development Specialist
North Carolina Cooperative Extension Service

A Common Understanding

Parents dealing with a divorce want to protect their children from the same stress and anguish they feel. But avoiding the issue only adds to the stress. Parents need to help their kids understand that the family will learn to adapt to new schedules, new environments, and new ways of communicating. Only then can parents begin to relieve some of the accompanying stress felt by a child.

Individual adult reactions to divorce and separation vary. Children's reactions vary also, depending on...

• the amount of involvement with the nonresidential parent;
  
• the situation before the divorce or separation;
  
• the residential parent's ease in adjusting to the divorce;
  
• parenting skills of both parents, agreement on child rearing, and discipline;
  
• approval and love from both parents;
  
• openness to discussing the divorce with parents;
  
• degree of conflict between parents;
  
• economic hardship;
  
• other added stressors (moving, changing schools, parental remarriage).
  

What Causes Stress for Kids?

1. The family they have always known will be different. One of the biggest fears for children is change. With divorce, changes will occur in many household responsibilities. Children may have to adjust to new schedules, new homework, mealtime, and bedtime routines. They may no longer have contact with some friends and extended family members (such as grandparents or cousins).

2. Loss of attachment. A child will become attached to parents, brothers, sisters, and pets. Changes in how much contact occurs with any of these can cause some distress. Having a different bedroom and being away from familiar possessions also create stress.

3. Fear of abandonment. Children fear that if they have lost one parent, they may lose the other. They may blame themselves, feel unlovable, or not feel safe. They worry about who will take care of them and even who will pick them up from childcare or from school. Even children whose parents are not divorcing may hear friends talk about divorce and create confusion and fear for themselves.

4. Hostility between parents. Arguments and tension between parents may make children feel guilty, angry, and alone. Trying to make the children take sides or turn against the other parent creates confusion for the children and places them in the middle of an adult struggle. It is important to let the children make up their own minds about their parents. Children's reactions to stress may vary from relief and complete acceptance to great sadness, anger, or anxiety. Parents will see signs of children's stress in many of their words and actions.