Affair survivors say it takes many years to come to terms with infidelity - whether you stay together or separate. For example, deciding to separate is complex and does not eliminate the emotional trauma. In fact, it might create more? So talk and make an agreement to stay together for a period of time (i.e. a month at a time) that works for both of you. Then ... you must agree to talk about the affair and its implications. Even if you decide to separate after a period of time, it will most likely be a healthier decision if you take it slow and try to communicate.
If you are confused you should be! Confusion is a sign that you are in the middle of making a complex decision. Working through the confusion takes time. When children are involved the decision becomes very complex. First try talking with each other alone, if this doesn't work meet with a relationship counsellor, and if this doesn't help go to a mediator. Finally, contact a solicitor, but remember, a solicitor's job is to "get the best deal for you" and therefore the legal process is asking the court to make a decision based upon their rules because you can't. Rarely do couples come away from court feeling they got everything they wanted.
Bringing forth the part that each partner plays in the affair is essential. An affair is just not about the person who had it, but includes behaviours of each partner (Guerin et al. 1987). Usually the person who did not have the affair suffers from a loss of self, and regaining their self-concept becomes a primary focus for them. The person who had the affair often feels confused, guilty, and responsible for creating havoc. As a result, people can waste time focusing on blame rather than healing and understanding.
If a relationship is to survive an affair, trust must be regained (Guerin et al., 1987). This is often a long process that must be discussed and worked on - in and out of therapy.
For the "offended" spouse, anger often seems justified. After all they moralize, "I didn't have the affair". Anger is a normal human emotion, but it is not an excuse for battering, threatening someone, emotional withdrawal, getting drunk, or any other get back (for more on Anger click here). If you are angry, it is your job to manage it appropriately - no exceptions!
Get help, don't get back! counselling is a valuable place to start discussing your feelings and reactions. No matter how angry, frightened, hurt, sad, or confused you are, this energy can be use to focus on the problem. Poorly directed, this energy can lead to more problems.
If counselling or the thought of reconciliation is not possible for you, then mediation is your next choice (see our resources page). Mediation is not counselling. The goal of mediation is to educate couples and help them reach an equitable agreement. Often, differences can be solved in mediation and then taken to the court to be finalized.
Both of you must be willing to talk about the part each of you played in the affair (Guerin et al. 1987). Denying the role you played is not helpful to understanding and resolving the problem. If the relationship is to survive, you will have to look at how the relationship broke down and how to avoid this in the future.
Your support system is often others and yourself. Connect with people who are supportive. Talk with a trusted friend, sibling, church member, or other family member. If talking about the affair is not suitable, then call the Crisis Line.
You can care for yourself by educating yourself. Purchase a book (see our bookshop) or borrow one from the library on affairs, or check the Internet.
Caring for yourself includes avoiding the use of drugs or alcohol right now - try to rest, and get lots of sleep. Eat nutritious meals even though you may not be hungry. Snacking on fruits or vegetables is helpful. Everyone will have a slightly different reaction to a trauma.
Copyright © 2001, Walmsley and Associates. Article by Blaine Powel, Family Therapist, Walmsley and Associates, 270 - 444 Victoria Street, Prince George, BC, V2L 2J3
Related Articles
Healthy Relationships
Affairs: Is Your Relationship At Risk?
What Might it Take For The Primary Relationship To Survive?