Affairs: Is Your Relationship At Risk?

Part 4 of 8: What Causes Affairs?

There are many factors that appear to contribute to someone engaging in an affair. Why people have affairs has no single answer. Each affair is different and a result of a number of complex factors. These factors seem to be grouped into social, cultural, and psychological categories.

"I Have a Right to Be Happy!"

Since the 60's, an individualistic cultural norm has slowly been emerging. The attitude that "I deserve to be happy regardless of the effect my behaviour may have on others" has become socially acceptable. Today, it is not unusual to hear people say "I wasn't happy" as a reason for making a change in their life.

Relaxed Divorce Laws

Some people believe that relaxed divorce laws have contributed to the increase in affairs because couples have learned that they can get divorced and remarried relatively easy - therefore resulting in less commitment to making the marriage work when it gets difficult.

Marriage however remains popular. Even with the recent drop in the marriage rate, 61% of couples with children are married (Statistics Canada, 1999). In British Columbia (1996) 60% of all families have children at home and 92% of these couples are married.

Change in Life-Course Attitudes

Divorce may be seen as a normal life course event. Female undergraduate students at the University of Guelph included divorce and remarriage as a life course expectation using this as a reason for pursuing an education and career (1991). It appears that commitment to the institution of marriage as a life long event, is not as strong as it once was.

Dual Career Families

Some people believe that with dual career families there is decreased financial and role interdependence. They argue that historically, the family was a self-sufficient unit and survival outside the family was more difficult. Today, couples are less dependent upon each other's roles (provider, homemaker) with the shift in women's employment and family services.

As well, dual career couples with children, if not careful may neglect to nurture their couple relationship due to time stressors. If a couple neglect to nurture their relationship, over time they may fall out of love with a spouse--and in love with someone else. Often an affair rekindles that early experience of romantic love. But sooner or later, lovers in an extramarital affair have to confront the dynamic nature of their relationship and move on to a deeper bond - or sever the connection.

Increased longevity

People are living longer and having fewer children. These two factors together may be placing greater expectations on couples to fulfill perceived needs of the other.

Some people believe our increased lifespan increases the likelihood of affairs. It is not uncommon for people to couple for 50 or more years of their life span. Statistically, there will be more affairs reported due to a longer life. A longer life in a couple relationship increases the likelihood of an affair. It also means that long term relationships have to resolve more life course events and developmental changes over a longer period of time. Couples who do not share their hopes and fantasies for the future can slowly drift apart without realizing it.

With fewer children, the family energy directed toward the raising and launching of children is completed in a shorter time span, thus shifting emphasis onto the couple relationship. It is not unusual for couples to have launched their children by their early 40's leaving an additional 30 or more years together as a couple.

An increased life span combined with couples having fewer children places more importance on the couple relationship to be fulfilling. Couples who have neglected their couple relationship while working and parenting may find they have drifted apart once their children leave home.

Unresolved Marital Problems

Marital problems may stem from any human issue that a couple experiences as important. For example, finances, conflict or bickering, physical and verbal abuse, loss of a child, housing, extended family, addictions, companionship, intimacy, sharing, sex, religion, mental health problems, to name a few. Problems can be influenced by a range of factors from getting married very young, to having a job that takes a spouse away from home. It is the inability to resolve problems in an equitable, mature, fair, and honest manner that may leave space for another person to fill a gap, resulting in an affair.

Unrealistic Expectations

Affairs may be a symptom of our inability to find satisfaction in our long term relationships because of the expectations we place on the marriage in the first place. If your relationship doesn't live up to your ideal about love conquering all, the problem may not be with your relationship but with your ideals.

Monogamy Myth

Another belief is that our relationships are lasting longer than ever before thus placing stress on our biological makeup which some claim is not geared for monogamy.

Myths About Remaining "In Love"

Most couples marry because they are in love, thus logic would have it that because "I am not in love, I should end the relationship". But, couples have to grow up and understand that their love will ebb and flow, and mature in natural cycles and developmental stages. For example, the birth of the first child while initially euphoric quickly settles into routine tasks, periods of exhaustion, emerging role expectations for self and the partner, insecurity about parenting, etc. Overcoming these life course tasks together is also about "love" and maturity.

Personal Issues

Personal issues range from low self-esteem to mid life crisis. As well, personal health due to mental instability, debilitating accidents, or disease can affect a relationship. Physical adjustments, medication side effects, mental incapacity, can influence a person's personality and ability to cope. A reaction to and resolution of these events is often individual.

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