Affairs: Is Your Relationship At Risk?

• dissatisfaction with the marital relationship,
• emotional emptiness,
• need for sexual variety,
• inability to resist new sexual opportunity,
• anger at a partner,
• no longer being "in love",
• alcohol or drug addiction,
• growing apart,
• change in health status of a partner,
• desire to get a partner jealous,
• sexually incompatible,
• "get back" at a partner who had an affair, and
• a belief that monogamy isn't natural.

Despite the reason given for engaging in an affair, nearly all affairs, seem to follow a specific pattern (Karpel, 1994; Spring, 1997; Vaughn, 1998). Here are four possible stages:

Sometimes referred to as the "getting to know you" stage. This is the innocent prelude during which an emotional connection is formed. Activities at this stage may include going for coffee breaks at work; getting to know the other person on a personal level; and sometimes providing emotional support. In almost all situations, a flirtatious spark is there! This is also the beginning of what is called triangulation (Guerin et al., 1987).

This new relationship is kept a secret. Spouses and friends are rarely told about the relationship because of the emotional attraction. Once a decision is made to keep it a secret, a boundary has been crossed and it is no longer a friendship, or collegial relationship. Fantasies about the other person are common at this point. Secrets and fantasies are very powerful and add fuel the fire! Layton-Tholl (1998) says people who keep the relationship a secret report far greater arousal, passion and obsession than with non-secret relationships.

Although the couple may believe they are just good friends, excuses are used to see each other. Meetings increase in frequency and they become purposeful, planned, and regular. Lunch, tennis, walks, long talks, working-out, etc. become regular activities. The couple tend to become more vigilant of comments or gestures that may draw suspicion. People close to either person might even make comments. Denial is ever present as this is "just a colleague or good friend".

At this point an intense sexual and emotional relationship is started. There are feelings of excitement that come with a new relationship along with feeling of guilt about the marriage. Keeping the secret becomes harder and in fact others have probably noticed "something different".

Copyright © 2001, Walmsley and Associates. Article by Blaine Powel, Family Therapist, Walmsley and Associates, 270 - 444 Victoria Street, Prince George, BC, V2L 2J3